Caroline Area Man reflects on another year lost to regret and indigestion.

The clock just flipped over to 4:14 AM. It is two minutes slow. I have begun the new year two minutes slow. I am lying on a queen-sized bed strewn with duvets, comforters, quilts, sheets, pillows, and dogs that are in desperate need of washing or Febreeze. I am watching a re-broadcast of CBC News: Sunday (as amazing a news magazine show as I ever did see). They are featuring--following news footage and updates of Saddam's execution (he was heckled before he hanged) and what bombs when off where, what the troops were doing when, and what world capital featured the largest fire works display--inspirational tales to "help us keep our resolutions." The first story--"Run Ray Run"--is about Canada's foremost ultra-marathoner. Ray Zahab is a former pack-a-day smoker who made a resolution to turn his life around with the turn of the millenium. Now he runs, and wins, 200km races through the Sahara, the Amazon, Death Valley, the Arctic, blah blah blah. Evan Soloman just compared him to a monk. I know no monks personally, but I politely disagree with Mr. Soloman.

Ray is that willowy wisp of a man from the office who skips lunch to run a quick 10k and runs marathon and half-marathon fun runs for charity on the weekends. Only Ray runs 200k per race, not 42. He was a party boy in college. Smoked a pack a day. Decided to run on a whim. Won a race with little training. And loves to flaunt his chicken legs and how far they can go real fast. He laments the state of the nation due to the fact he is still without corporate sponsership. Ray Zahab is better than you because he was the frat boy who didn't give a shit before and is now that asshole munching a bagel with low-fat cream cheese in the 2pm meeting because he skipped lunch to knock off a quick 15k by the river. I am not bitter. Just not inspired. Just have indigestion.

I haven't any resolutions, nor reslove. Forgive me for that. Forgive me for a lot of things. I will give you something back. I will give you many things back. I will give you lists...

Top 10 Posts of 2006:
1. Bordedom made me do it! (27.11.06)
2. Technological advancements in lettuce harvest technology. (27.11.06)
7 (tie). Caroline Area Man grows up, grows a beard, moves out, goes to school, graduates, moves back home, kicks ass, takes names. (28.11.06)
5. Caroline Area Man saves Christmas (19.12.06)
9. All Filler, No Killer. (13.12.06)
4. Hanger-Head Rests His Arm on a Chair and Reflects Solemnly on a Life of Regrets. (4.12.06)
8. Five dollars in quarters. (3.12.06)
3. Two-Dollar Whores, Toonie Tuesdays, Two-Dollar Super Show and Other Brilliant Two-Dollar Investments. (1.12.06)
6. For Sale: 1984 Toyota Tercel--Needs Work (7.12.06)
7. Cancer Patient Escapes Escapism (29.11.06)

Then suddenly my inspiration evaporates at the moment the story of the Saskatchewan dentist-turned-amateur Parisian piano champ ends. And for the same reason they don't have the Eagles play the Cowboys every Sunday (we can only take so much T.O.) I will leave you wanting more.


1 comment:

Tam said...

Ahhhhh, yes, another year come and gone. I do have a few suggestions for you for next year...
1. Try NOT to murder your Bro-In-Law with a guady grain bin Christmas light display.
2. Start a goat dairy.
3. Start washing with goat soap.
4. Or if all else fails, just start washing.
5. Grow up, grow a beard (still waiting on that one to happen) and STAY HOME....what the hell is in frickin' Mon-tre'-al anyway?

Love ya,