13.2.07

Vaclav Havel's Indigestion

•Tragedies are written in blood pricked from finger-tips.
•Comedies are written from paint dabbed from finger-tips.
•Detective thrillers are written from powder dusted from finger-tips.
•Romance novels and love letters and sonnets are written with the pruney tips of Cheez-Whiz soaked finger-tips.
•Business letters ghost-written for the CEO are written in the blood of a million secretarial paper-cuts on motherly finger-tips.
•Da Vinci Code, Harry Potter and the Magic Cards, Aeneid and A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man were written by a million monkeys at a million typewriters with fece-laced finger-tips.
•Dan Brown is my father.
•'s best friend's uncle's brother's neighbour.
•My father's best friend's uncle's brother's neighbour tells me Dan Brown is a real prick.
•I think he and Dan need better fences.
Arsenic and Old Lace is about my great-grandmother.
•'s ex-lover's dead wife.
•And a tennis tournament from the 1920s.
•Put on by the Boy's and Girl's Club of Wisconsin to raise money for orphans.
•That was the same year that Little Orphan Annie contracted syphilis while on tour with the Smother's brothers.
•Makes you wonder.

•Radiant robots robbing rickshaw rodeo clowns with water guns.
•Short circuits bring them down.
•Short Circuit brings me down.
•The third man of the Three Men and a Baby had such promise.
•Such potential.
•Such ghost busting robo-copperific chops.
•Sadly he ended when the 80s did.
•As did a lot of us.
•As did the Duck Bill Platypus.
•As did Bill Murray.
•As did Robin Williams' mom.
•As did Robin Williams' mom's son Robin.
•As did Harley Hotchkiss' dog Harvey.
•As did Roland.
•As did Roland's band of Roland electronic piano players playing electronica on Roland electronic pianos.
•As did period pictures.
•As did period painting.
•As did painstakingly preserved preserves like pickled beets.
•Peaches, plums, pears, and State Farm Agents selling life, fire and auto policies fireside at Farmer's Markets at County Fairs amongst the Potluck providers of the evenings entertainment on banjos, accordions, fiddles, and one Roland electronic piano.
•Hank, Harv, Harry, Harold, Harley, Harvey, Henry, Hark, Harold, Holstein, crab cakes, buckwheat, squares, marmalade, jelly, jam, peach, plum, pear.

•Dorm room mop pales=neglect.
•Kids in cars at bingo halls=babysitting.
•All the lights and the television on and no one home=my home, 1991-1999.
•No one was ever home.
•Leave a message.
•No one ever checks the messages.
•No one is ever home.
•You can't go home.
•Home is a mirage created by greeting card companies and dehydration.
•God says, "go forth and multiply my children."
•Then Jesus comes along, takes over the company and says, "the meek shall inherit the earth."
•Everyone was confused.
•Romans were converting.
•Ukrainians were emigrating.
•Napoleon was building a life raft out of Styrofoam packing peanuts with friends he met on Lavalife.
•Plotting his return.
•Things came to a simmer.
•Peasants and peons repented for pents and pants and pigs on spits.
•Mark Spitz wasn't born yet, but if he was he'd run your show.
•And tell you how it is.
•How he says it is.
•Popes are people too.
•Popes are poets too.
•Popes use soap like you and me.
•Or you at least.
•Pope Pius Paul the Plentiful grew bored of Napoleon's one joke.
•Knock, knock, who is there? Mel Gibson's publicist. Jesus Christ!
•So he decided killing Muslims for a few lost pages of Aristotle would be a good idea.
•Until he read Aristotle.
•Turns out Jesus had a son named Marty who was a fire fighter who had a fear of heights and the jaws of life and all this was drawn in a stick figure story on the back of the Mona Lisa.
•Turns out Aristotle was Dan Brown's pen name in college.
•Pope Pius Paul the Plentiful repents.
•Pope Pius Paul the Repentant needs better fences.

•Things said in a day: "I have stored tremendous piles of useless knowledge of pop. culture and geography so I can avoid thinking about serious things. Like polio."
•What did V. Havel say to B. Clinton? "I don't call myself an optimist or a pessimist. An optimist is certain everything will turn out well. A pessimist is certain that everything will turn out badly. I am not certain of anything. But I do know that inside me I have hope."
•He forgot the punchline.
•I think it was the translator's fault.
•It is always the translator's fault.
•It is always the transistor radio's fault.
•It always rains on Sundays when you, want to have a picnic with a pretty girl.
•Or boy.
•I don't care.
•Do what you want.
•To who you want.
•When you want.
•If you want.
•Or not.
•Punchline: "...and half an empanada from your crazy American Mexican restaurants. I am pretty sure that is coming back to the Eastern bloc with me."
•Boom-Boom-Crash.

"My Mother Fought in the Spanish Civil War II." Watercolour on paper. 2006. Morgan Murray.

1 comment:

Tricia said...

I hate Dan Brown.